Category Archives: Journal

It’s Been Awhile…

It’s been awhile since I updated…  a lot has happened, I suppose.

I graduated college (back in December)!  Now that it’s been a little while since I’ve got my diploma, I can honestly say I’m glad to be done with school.  I have been able to devote more time to personal development, which is going great!

I have a job, too – well, more of a promotion coming up.  But that is fine with me, I don’t need to do something new just because I graduated.  For now, this is good.  I am looking forward to kicking butt at it, too.

I’ve been planning out things for the new year of the Young Friends of Hale.  It’s going to be awesome this year… we might get a grant from our home office, a huge step.  I can’t say too much more on that, but I know what we WILL be able to afford this year if we get it… costumes.  *fingers crossed*

My scout troop (I have fifth grade girls) are working on their Bronze Award and will be done with it sometime this May.  What a big step for them.  Quite a long way from the little girls I started with… where does time go?

Still trying to get over a certain someone.

Meanwhile, Chris and I are doing swell.  We are running low on foodstuffs in the house, so our cooking has got rather creative lately.  All I can say is, thank all the xenophobic gods in the world for NUTELLA.  Mmm!

I am getting kitties soon!  Pictures will abound.  They are a brother and a sister, Sonny and Evie.  They are coming on Saturday the 18th, about a week after they get fixed (this Friday) from Protectors of Animals.  My aunt and cousin were fostering them for awhile and I fell in love with them.  :-)

All else I can say is that I can’t wait to get back to the Homestead.  Life is better by the hearth…

(Okay and I miss the excuse to bake lots of delicious goodies to share with everyone…)

Stop Taking Life So Seriously!

“‘It’s snowing still,’ said Eeyore gloomily.

‘So it is.’

‘And freezing.’

‘Is it?’

‘Yes,’ said Eeyore.  ‘However,’ he said, brightening up a little, ‘we haven’t had an earthquake lately.’

– A.A. Milne (1882-1956)

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Things feel like they’ve been escalating into a ginormous ball of doom lately, what with everything going on and trying to do it all WELL… that’s the catching point, making sure you do things well.  While I’ve been stressing about this, that and the other, I’ve also made time to relax so I don’t die of a premature heart attack.

Aubree and I set up Halloween decorations at the house the other day; it was fun – I’ve never been able to decorate for Halloween before, since our house was always too far away from the road to get trick-or-treaters.  But this year, we put up orange lights, creepy mannequin-things and gravestones in the yard!  Fun!  I can’t wait to buy some candy and some booze, make some cupcakes and have a blast!

You see, I’ve come to a realization recently… I’ll even post a picture here to illustrate my point… cuz, ya know, pictures drive the point home…

I mean, you can’t take life too seriously, can you?  I’m busy, sure.  But I still find time to make a home-cooked meal every night, keep the house neat and get everything done that needs to.  And you know?  I used to race to work, convinced I would be late and needed to speed… but is my life worth it?  No, probably not.  Someone somewhere will disagree with me, but since this blog is for me and not for that person(s), who gives a monkey’s hooter, am I right?

It’s not that I stopped caring, it’s that I think I just realized I was heading for disaster.  I mean, I was doing so many things that were bad for me!  Now I can recognize the importance of taking a study break to play LEGO Pirates!  (Mwahaha, thanks to my hunny for the birthday present!)

Also, I am old now.  Twenty-two.  I looked forward to twenty-one for so long that I don’t know what to do with myself now!  Although I have been told this means I am now truly an adult since I had a year to party hardy.  I don’t think becoming an adult means I can’t party, though!  Screw it.  Maybe I really am a bad role model, in which case I shouldn’t be exposed to children.  Although one of the kids in the youth program at the Homestead remarked that I laughed a lot.  I asked him if it was a bad thing and he declared it wasn’t.  I wonder what that says?

LAUGHTER RULES!  If you can’t laugh, what’s the point in living?  Life is about love, peace, faith in humanity and the human experience.  And you know what?  There’s something beautiful begging to be laughed at in all of those things. <3

All Stations To Heartbreak

It’s always interesting, no matter who you are, when people seem to rise up out of your past like a spectre from a grave.  Even more interesting is when parts of you seem to rebound back and wave their arms in front of you, demanding attention.  It’s a truth we don’t like to admit – people don’t change much.  If you’re a jealous person when you’re young, you will likely be a jealous person as you age.  We can try to bury parts of our personality if we so please, but the more you suppress them…. well… it’s like holding a firecracker in your hand; you can close your hand around it and it will eventually blow your fingers off, or you can open your hand and only get burned a bit, but everyone else around you might be hurt, too.

I have been burying my feelings for so long, I sometimes feel like there is an animal inside me.  Sometimes when I’m laying awake at night, I can feel the animal pacing around, restless.  Sometimes the animal is content to just sleep peacefully.  Other times, the animal rages and lunges at my ribcage, leading to a – literally – physical manifestation of frustration.  It makes me sick.  I love animals, but this one, I wish I could just euthanize.

I feel like I’ve been forced to wait forever… and there is no immediate respite on the horizon.  Sometimes I have to take a step back and say, “Now Emily, you’re being ridiculous.  Are you in love with the idea of love, or is it real?”  My satisfaction is stunted so long now that I hardly know; that in itself is hardly a reassuring feeling, not to know yourself for sure.

I now understand Alice in Wonderland so much better.  I can understand the opium trip that led to such a great work.  I can understand the feeling of falling without a bottom.  I can understand that nothing seems to make any sense anymore.  Everyone proclaims Lewis Carroll to be so whimsical and fanciful… but life is truly like that book.  You might be upside-down and not know it; you might do something that makes you swell with pride, or something that makes you feel small.  Some days, I want one of those little bottles, “Drink Me”, so I could disappear.

You have to wonder if you love people that do not have the capacity to love you back… or even if maybe you never were actually in love, and it was just the idea of love that helped you wake up every morning with a smile plastered on your otherwise unremarkable face.  If it’s the second, what is the point of your life?  Can you just go away and fall in love again and be happy and forget all about the foolish notion that you’d ever loved before?

Sometimes I wish I could cry over things like these… but I’m not sure – I suppose it’s possible – that I may have forgotten how.  I can be on the verge… the very brink of crying, but my walls always seem to hold, even if I don’t want them to.

Maybe I’m wrong.  Maybe I do know what love is.  If I do, I am unsure of how to proceed, as there are so many paths to take – or wilderness to plow through – that I know there is no way to avoid heartbreak.

The Ocean Is Better In September

Yesterday I took a break from all my studying and running around preparing for various coming events and went to a beach house in Rhode Island.  The house itself was really nice – the path/road in front of the house looked like it’d been paved at one time, but was now completely obscured by sand.  Across the road was a bank of coarse seagrass and beach roses, followed immediately by the shoreline.

The really nice thing about this place though, was that on the entire road, all of which looked out upon the sea, was deserted.  Literally.  Every single house was empty; I guess all the rich people had left now that the weather didn’t suit them.

It’s different for me: I prefer an autumn New England beach over any of the white-sand-and-clear-water ones in Mexico during the summer.  Or whatever it is people like to do on the beach.  I don’t like to sunbathe and when you swim in the ocean, you usually step on something gross or sharp.  (Or with my luck, get stung by jellyfish).  But when the sea is choppy and gray and the sand is big and coarse and the salt sticks to your legs… that’s my kind of ocean.

Even though all I did was make a meal in the kitchen and read my Shakespeare assignment on the beach (in a hoodie, no less)… it was a successful trip to be sure.  All those beach bunnies are missing something essential about the beach.

Time, Time, Fly Away Home

Well, it’s been awhile since an update.  I am still alive – but for how long, who knows?  School has started up again… and the scary thing is, I applied for graduation this morning.  This Thursday, I will be submitting my final plan of study to my advisor, who will look it over and send it off to the department head.  Then this December, I will graduate from the University of Connecticut with a Bachelor of Arts in Communications.

I mean to say, holy shit.  Where did the time go?  I have to perk up my resume in the Undergrad center at UConn and then hand it out to possible employers at a job fair at the end of the month.  I could have a real job.  You know, the kind you get paid to do…

I am also going to be twenty-two years old around this time next month.  I waited so long for 21 that 22 just seems… odd.

Beyond school, I’ve picked my Girl Scout troop back up (they get cheekier and taller every year…) and also started helping with the Friends of Hale youth program at the Homestead.  I don’t feel too bad taking on something else, since I’m only in class for less than 4 hours a week this semester.

The only problem about getting so involved in Homestead things are the emotions it brings back.  As soon as the leaves start to fall (and they have) I get all confused and distraught again.  I know that once winter leaves its lovely blanket behind us again, I will be fine – but it’s so hard to wait for winter to come again to wash my conscience clean.  Don’t get me wrong, I am loving having these meetings every Sunday, cracking jokes, dressing in costume, smelling the Farmer’s market, and laughing with a wide variety of people.  Even my tours have improved since my internship this past summer (I got to travel and collect primary source documents to put together Revolutionary War profiles for a friend and re-enactor – and got class credit for it!).

I love the autumn; it’s the most romantic time of year.  The Homestead has a lovely oak tree out in front and when everyone else has left for the day, I love to lay underneath it and let the leaves fall down around me. In my blue and white linen dress, I imagine I probably look pretty authentic doing so.  History is as beautiful as nature, I don’t care what anyone else says.

Pandemonium In The Undercurrent

I’m sitting here on my bed with a variety of thoughts running naked through my head like those crazy soccer hooligans that jump the fence to run across the field at World Cup games.  It’s that loud.

I’ve tried to concentrate on my Biology homework, but no dice.  Instead, I’m sitting here eating feta cheese (don’t judge me) and praying to who-knows-what that classes are cancelled tomorrow because I haven’t been able to concentrate on ANY of my reading for labs tomorrow.  Outside, I can hear the snow plow going by (finally) and I’m listening to this awesome sitar player on my laptop.  And typing this.  Obviously.

The frustrating thing is, I can’t actually write any of my thoughts on my public blog due to the chance that someone from my workplace might read it (doubtful… but better safe than sorry).  However, what I’m feeling is something kind of like this:

So you get the general gist of things.  It’s amazing how it’s possible to act normal – calm and collected, even – when there is a maelstrom of grit, ice and something like shame whirlpooling through my arteries.  Bedlam; yet, persistence in the face of looming tragedy.

Sweet Dreams

I have to sleep with my head at the other end of the bed tonight.  It’s because I’m not my normal self and my head can’t go the same way as when I’m normal.  I’m on edge, I can’t seem to unclench myself from a twisted knot of muscle overlapping muscle overlapping tissue and bone.  Strained, tense like the leg muscle of a short-distance sprinter ready to spring taut at the blow of a whistle.

I remember looking through Gray’s Anatomy (the book, not the show) once when I was in high school to study the muscles and tendons in my legs.  I was mostly curious about the way they would be effected when doctors went into my body to dismantle then mend my hips.  Muscles are fascinating things… they sometimes feel as though they’re on fire from overexertion.  I feel like that right now, myself.

It’s hard to hurt people you love.  I know I’m wrong, I know I’m not as strong as I should be… but I never meant to hurt anyone but myself.  I know I can take it.  I could take a sledgehammer to the face.  But it’s a plague that seeps through the cracks of my fingers and it’s impossible to contain.

I’ve been told it’s easy to love me by people before… but I’ve also been told it’s quite difficult to do so, as well – and this mostly by people who know me better.  There is still always a lot that I have trouble with.  I need assistance and love, not a harsh voice and bland words.  Love is the cornerstone of acceptance; without love, there can only be a standstill, quieter than a photograph done in sepia.

We are standing on the corner of a wishing well.  I won’t throw in my penny if you don’t… and I know you won’t.  It’s a burning, molten-hot heart that falls into my hands when all I asked for was a way to survive.  That’s the opposite of helpful.  Regardless, just know that I miss you from way up here.  I’ll parachute down at some point, hoping and wishing you’ll catch me.  But I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t.

I’m going to tie a ribbon of sleep around me and listen to your voice sing me a lullaby.