Top 10 Worst Things About Dating
10. Getting the First Date – Sure, you’re excited when it actually occurs… but neither of you wants to be the one to ask. So the unanswered question just kind of hangs there for awhile before anything happens and one of you finally plucks up the courage.
9. Getting Ready – Why are there so many things to do to make yourself look presentable? I have to curl my eyelashes. CURL MY EYELASHES. As if they don’t curl naturally. They do. Just not ENOUGH. It’s disgusting. Also: I have wasted a large portion of my life straightening my hair – it’s naturally wavy, but not the good, Taylor Swift-kind (I wish). I’m more at home in a pair of jeans, a T-shirt and hair down.
8. Having To Listen About All His Exes – I’ve decided that all guys do this. All of them. I’ve also decided that it’s sometimes a good thing to hear about them, because it means that your date is thinking about dating while they’re with you… which can be a good thing, because you made them think about dating you. As an added bonus, you know what NOT to do based on the things someone reveals about their exes. On the other hand, no one wants to listen to all the sexual escapades you had in your past, or how you were so sweet to so-and-so, or how Mary Sue dumped you and you were so upset. So yeah. Moving right along.
7. The First Kiss – I just want to skip this part. I know, I know… I SHOULD think it’s romantic or whatever, but whoever made it so that “the first kiss is the sweetest” can suck my metaphorical cock. (You know… if I had one). The first kiss is awkward, unsure, usually shaky and occasionally even barely enjoyable. Not that any of this is really a problem, since a first kiss is, after all, a FIRST kiss and you’re just testing out the waters. But it sucks because you’re more worried about how your breath smells than enjoying it. Once you finally get used to kissing whoever you’re kissing… that’s when things finally get interesting.
6. Eyes = Boobs – Even if you move past the stage of unofficial to official, your eyes don’t belong on my boobs. I’ve been told I’m generally more understanding of this sort of thing than most chicks… and it’s true, I know that sometimes you really. just. can’t. help. it. And that’s fine. Occasionally, I even think it’s kind of funny. But for the most part, do it when you think I won’t notice, please.
5. Diamonds Are (NOT!) A Girl’s Best Friend – I could kill whoever made this song. I don’t like getting presents, never have. I don’t even like not paying for things every so often, like movies or dinner – and I think any girl who expects not to have to pay for anything is self-centered and a mooch. This is not the 1920s, and if it were, you’d be a slut because you’ve done more than “a few stolen kisses on the back porch before your sweetheart asked your father for your hand in marriage.” That’s how things were THEN. This is not then.
4. Keeping Up Looking Okay – This takes a huge toll on me after awhile. All I really want to do is come over in a tank top and sweat pants so we can order sushi out, take it home, and watch Lord of the Rings. Even though I already know (most of) the dialogue. But no… you have to put on that little black dress and eyeliner and smile and smile and smile. I like to smile – it’s true. I’m almost always doing it, too – and I do like to dress up and go out. But when it’s non-stop, that’s when it gets me.
3. Where Do You Draw The Line? – I am not currently and never will be a slut; you have to be wise about your sexuality. You can’t sleep with everyone you think is interesting, or you end up with a reputation, or worse… stalkers. Been there, done that. Still, it’s tempting to sleep with whoever it is you’re with due to sex appeal, sensitivity, the way he smells… Don’t. Do. It. (Yet). Sit down at home with a good porno and put those fingers to work, ladies.
2. The Essential Rubber – You have to make sure to always have one, once you finally get there. How annoying is that? Pretty annoying, you say? Well, not as annoying as screaming babies or genital warts.
Lastly, the thing that sucks the most about dating:
1. Falling In Love – I know, you’re scratching your head at this one, huh? Well, it sucks, I tell you… once you realize you’ve fallen, you have to worry about whether the other person feels the same way, whether you can trust them… the whole nine yards. You have to think to yourself, “If I was dying, would I want this person to be there in the hospital with me?” Even just GETTING to this step stinks. For example, do you SAY something to the other person once you realize you love them? I tend not to, because I’m worried about scaring people off. So I just let it lie and sometimes it goes unsaid for ages. There is uncertainty. Fear of rejection. Actual rejection. There’s also that feeling of jumping off a building and just hoping and praying those stupid clowns remembered to bring the trampoline…
Top 10 Best Things About Dating
10. Hugs – This is not the kind of hug Uncle Joe, who is halfway sloshed at your family reunion, gives you. When someone cares enough about you to want to hold you that way, you feel good – you just can’t help it.
9. Dates, Once You’ve Had Several Of Them – The best sort of date is the spontaneous kind. Two examples come to mind for me when I think of fun I had with guys I was dating:
1) It’s 10 PM. The store two streets down closes in an hour and all of a sudden, ice cream and hot cocoa sounds really, really good. We COULD take the car… but racing there is more fun! We half-ran and half-walked (to catch our breath) to the store to buy both our “commodities” and let the salespeople wonder why we were so out of breath.
2) Seeing movies you both know will only be okay. Why’s this? Because you can pay attention to the movie… or not. This is the best when it’s spontaneous! I mean, the kind of “Quick, put your flip-flops on and let’s go and get tickets to whatever is showing next, regardless of what it is.” Then you can cuddle (or neck, if you’re bold) in the back of the theatre in between paying attention.
8. Being Able To Wear Your Boyfriend’s Clothes – I like this one and I secretly think all girls do. I don’t mean wear them everywhere… I just mean wearing an extra of his shirts to bed so you can smell him before you fall asleep.
7. Guys That Smell Good – This is key. Guys who smell bad are un-dateable. I really mean that, too. Cologne is only an enhancer, not a solution.
6. Holding Hands – I like to hold hands, even if our hands are sweaty (happens to everyone), especially if we’re in public. Holding hands with someone in public is a statement: “unavailable.” I have small hands (which makes them “dainty” to some, but it sucks for playing the piano) so there’s something comforting by having a bigger hand around mine. It makes me feel protected.
5. Presents – No, not getting them. I like picking them out. It’s fun and often challenging, especially when you’re getting them for no reason at all (which is, incidentally, the BEST reason).
4. Cue The Marvin Gaye (a.k.a. Banging) – At first, I didn’t mean to put sex this far back on the list, but I think it belongs here. Sex is fun – with the right person. But unless you’re having nice sex, it doesn’t leave much room to think about the fact that you’re mostly doing it because of the feelings you have for that person. And you can only take so many sessions of having nice sex before you just want to have your hair pulled and your neck bitten again. Graphic, sorry.
3. Being Able To Share Thoughts – This is the problem with dating passive or less-than-intelligent people: they never have an opinion. If I am going to share my thoughts with someone, I’m going to do it because I want feedback. Feedback counts as more than a pat on the back. You liked it? Well, what did you like about it? And I don’t just want what you liked, I want criticism! Being able to do this with your significant other is indispensably useful in a relationship, as far as I’m concerned. It also boosts your interactions and even helps you resolve conflicts with that person easier as well, because you’re in tune with their thoughts on things. As a couple, you’re also supposed to be able to share anything with your partner (though some things, frankly, are better left unsaid… like what happened to you at the gynecologist that morning).
2. Kissing – Bet you thought this was going to be number one, huh? The only reason it isn’t is because sometimes, I really just am not in the mood for a good bout of kissing. Generally though, kissing someone you’re familiar with is beautiful. And it can lead to amazing things, too (see #4). I don’t really think it needs much of an explanation – the best kind of kissing makes you forget where you are.
1. Cuddling – Yes, this gets the number one spot. I surprised even myself by putting it here, actually. I think this is better even than snogging because it means you’ve reached a point in your relationship with someone (whether you’re actually dating or not) that you can just lay back and cuddle and nothing else really matters. There’s something undefinable about that.